I AM the one true conservative.

I am embracing my inner conservative, and would like to announce (early) my intentions to run for the office of the President in 2016 as a Republican.

The key points of my platform will be these (in line with existing core conservative principles):

  • Elimination of the capital gains tax (a drag on the job creationeyness of our great nation)
  • Elimination of all corporate taxes (this should raise revenues hugely, per core supply side theory)
  • Immediate adoption of the flat tax (also known as the “fair tax” by right wing mavens). All incomes above $250k will be entirely exempted from taxation…another move which will hugely boost revenues, and further insulate our cherished job creators
  • Abolish the estate tax (also known as the ‘death tax’ by those on the right )
  • Institute a national book burning day (round up and bring your copies of “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” “1984” and any of that smarmy Librocommiefascist crap (nobody reads that stuff anyway, so it surely will not be missed). We’ll have a big party, and it’ll be fantabulous. Trust me.
  • To save money and enhance personal freedom and liberty, I will immediately eliminate the Department of Education, the EPA, and one other governmental department that I can’t remember just now. I will create a new right wing department though…The Department of Thinkery. This will be where we come up with other patriotic ideers to enhance freedom and liberty. Don’t worry though, we’ll keep the department small, so it won’t cost much. And we’ll use Twitter and stuff to communicate with you.
  • I won’t use teleprompters AT ALL, when giving a speech. EVER! If it won’t fit on my hand, I don’t need to say it, and you don’t need to hear it. Period.
  • Reverse the decision that ER’s must treat anybody who walks thru the door. Let the poor die in the streets (reduces the surplus population), and hire OTHER po’ folks to keep our streets clean/hide the bodies before they bloat and turn gross (we would not want to see such unsightliness as we are chauffeured to our gated communities…Heaven forbid!) – as for the poor. F*ck ‘em if they can’t afford insurance. That’s their fault (because they are irresponsible, parasitic lemmings, you see?). I do not say this to be cruel, but rather, as a loving, compassionate conservative, but given the obviousness of the above, I’m afraid that it just isn’t my problem (or yours).
  • Repeal Obamacare, and allow Corporate Death Panels to be reinstated per the old rules
  • On the day of my Inauguration, and ascendency to the Office of His Holiness, The Decider in Chief (I’ll officially change the name once I get in, dig?), I shall smite Iran with God’s Holy Fire, you betcha! (this is also called “The Nucular Option,” for those of you a little slow on the uptake!)
  • I also plan to ask Congress to form a commission to study the probable impacts of implementing a negative income tax for both corporations and for those with incomes above $250k. The thinking here is simple, and perfectly in keeping with core conservative principles. Given that tax cuts increase revenues, moving these two taxes into negative territory should HUGELY increase revenues, and we can use this massive surge of profits to help us pay off the debt more quickly.

    Further, I feel that the flat tax thinking can be applied to other areas of our government. Namely, in criminal sentencing. I will be securing the domain “www.flatsentencing.org” and be building a website around it to extol the virtues of this new approach. One single sentence (flat and fair) for any crime that is committed.

    In order to save money (times are hard, you know?), we’ll simply use the death penalty as the fair sentence.

    Speeding ticket? – Death.
    B&E? – Death
    Drug use or sales? – Death
    Shoplifting? – Death
    Murder? – Death
    (you get the idea…completely flat and fair!)

    Per the Fox News Doctrine, saying a thing makes it so (whether it’s true or not), so we can dispense with criminal courts, and revert instead to a system whereby if three (or more) people lay a charge against an individual, that person is automagically considered guilty as charged. Of course, all citizens with incomes over $250k (unless they are scientists – see below for the “Science Exemption”) will be immune from prosecution under the new Fair Sentencing rules. Shame on you for even thinking otherwise, you dirty liberal parasites!

    Legal documents and case files the size of post cards! Fabulous!

    IMPORTANT NOTE!! – As we all know, math, science, and data are evils. Satan’s playthings placed in the world to confuse the righteous and lead them off the path. Thus, Scientists and statisticians will, by the nature of their “professions,” automatically be considered criminals, IRREGARDLESS of income levels. Priority will be given to members of these professions who are not white skinned!

    We’re going to start the new Fair Sentencing Paradigm off in a big way, too (with a bang, you might say), by giving out a special tax credit of $8k for turning in your friends, family, and neighbors for “crimes” they have committed. Our slogan for this kickoff campaign will be

    “One Good Turn-In Deserves Another!”

    Brown shirts will be sold at a reasonable price to all who participate in the kickoff campaign (what?! You weren’t expecting us to GIVE them away, were you?! Pinko Commie B@stard!), with Tea Bag lapels sold separately. The two look GREAT together, so wear them with pride!

    Best of all, you’ll have the opportunity to dine with right wing luminaries who support the idea (we’ll be writing all the big names to get their endorsement, so look for Trump, Palin, Bachman, O’Donnell, Angel, Hannity, Limbaugh, Beck, and many other of your favorite right wing rock stars). Dinner with THE BEST!

    The Fair Sentences will be duly carried out by “Patriot Squads” (privately managed, of course, Blackwater…no, Xe….no, Whatevertheycallthemselvesnow has already put a bid in!) and televised on Pay per View (another great way to enhance revenue!).

    In the event that we have a backlog of sentencing to work through, we will hold the prisoners awaiting sentencing at “Liberty Camps” until we can get to them (these, we’ll also sell to private companies to manage for us, and the added efficiencies in doing so should further bolster our financial position).

    Above all, my Holy Presidency will be about COMPASSIONATE conservatism, and as such, these sentences (and indeed, everything about my administration) must be seen as living expressions of our own personal liberty enhancing lifestyles and acts of mercy in God’s love, and in order to illustrate this, I think it would be nice to have a choir singing hymns just before the bullets start to fly.

    The net effect of all of the above will be one that not only creates more liberty and freedom for YOU, my Noble, fellow Americans, but this plan will also create lots of jobs. Well…okay, yes, it will kill a lot of parasitic moochers and eliminate entire INDUSTRIES, true. That’s a net job LOSS, BUT…it will further streamline the government (can cut all those parasitic criminal court people), and it’ll create lots of job OPENINGS, if not outright jobs, and that’s almost as good, right?

    It will also go quite some distance in controlling costs (no more prison overcrowding…no need for prisons, really), no criminal lawyers or judges or support personnel, and the like, and of course, as we control the surplus population, we’ll be able to fill the jobs left open by the recently departed with the ranks of the un or under employed, virtually eliminating unemployment overnight.

    I hope you will join me, my Fellow Real ‘Muricans, in embracing this badly needed series of changes to our national tapestry. My hope is that we can usher in a new age of opportunity for the 1%ers, and scare the other 99% into submission.

    God Bless Real ‘Murica (or Amercia, whichever you prefer!)


    Graphics Credit: http://sc6.blogspot.com/2012/01/so-where-is-true-conservative-in-this.html