The Story of Conservative Deep Thinkery
(For Siri! )
Gather ’round everyone, and I’ll tell you another campfire story. Now as’n you know, we already don’ tol’ the story ’bout how Jesus wrote the 2nd ‘Mendment, and the one ’bout how Barney Frank single handedly done crashed the economy right under the nose of the Republicans who actually controlled both houses of Congress and the Presidency (while wearing his fabilous blue sequin time machine dress), but now….now it’s time to do a little hist’ry talkin’. Now we gonna go back in time to the 1960’s (can you b’lieve them poor suckers didn’t have no internet? Well, I mean, it kinda existed, but not really, and nobody really knew about it).
Way back then is when the seeds of Deep Thinkery wuz planted. How it got its start was the first Conservatives started to go insane. I mean…they had always had some fringy-folk in their ranks. The guys who seen Communist ghosts around every corner, the flat-earthers and them sorts, but in the sixties, they started taking it to the whole other level.
What they done was…because their views wuz getting increasingly disconnected from reality and harder to justify on their own merits, they figured they needed to invent some justifications for their curiouser and curiouser views. This led some bright folks to come up with the idea of the “Global Librul Conspiracy.” At first, they wuz only just the one, and that was all that wuz needed, you see.
The story went that “Teh Libz” (sometimes called “Teh Libtardz”) quietly took control of all the top universities, not just here, but WORLD WIDE. In addition, they made sure to get control of the US education system too, so that all of our public schools, and all universities around the whole earth became part of the First Librul Conspiracy. The Education Conspiracy.
What this done wuz, it made conservative folk skert. See, they wouldn’t want to go get none of that skoolin’ on account of the skools bein’ run by “Teh Libz.” This made it so that the Conservative folk turned their backs on the whole idea of education, and in doing so, turned their backs on the idea of learning anything much that was useful.
Eventually, this seed that got planted grew into the recent sprout we saw in Texas, where the mighty Texas State GOP (the biggest remaining bastion of conservatism in the US, and it’s most powerful member) included a provision in their party’s platform to try and have critical thinking outlawed. Now, of course, in doing so, they would need sort of a Conservative VERSION of critical thinking, and this was where Deep Thinkery actually came from, but Ima getting’ ahead of mahself, so let me back up a pice.
So after the Great Education Conspiracy was launched, and all the conservative folks decided they hated skoolin, along comes Fox News. Now Fox was interesting because it was the first News channel that was the conservatives very own, but they wuz a problem, you see?
Sometimes, some of the news stories didn’t play out the way that the good conservative folks wanted them to. If they reported the way things really wuz, well that didn’t sit too good with the base (the viewers). So in 2003, they went to court to fight for the right to just start making $hit up, and reporting it as news. They won that case, and their problems wuz solved. Now, if a news story wuzn’t going the way the good Conservative folken at Fox liked…well, it didn’t rightly matter. They could just invent whatever details wuz needed and there you go.
That wuz all well and good, but it started to have this curious effect. A survey was done some years later, and it came to light that not only were Fox viewers the least informed group of news watchers, but they wuz actually less informed than folken who didn’t watch no news at all! “Shockingly,” it seemed that if you made $hit up and said it wuz news, it made your viewers not very well informed. Can’t imagine why that might be, so we’ll move right along.
Anyway, all of this culminated in the run up to the 2012 election for Prezidint.
See…by now, the good Conservative folken wuz purty used to just having $hit made up for ’em, and this was a right comfort, because what it meant was they only got to see “data” and “information” and “news” that told them stuff they already b’lieved. That reinforced those b’liefs.
This was SUCH a great comfort that they started doing it all by themselves. They even gave it its very own name, christening it “Unskewing the Data.”
The way this worked was: If some data got presented to you that said something you didn’t like, you declared that it was from one of the (now seven) global librul conspiracies.
This of course meant that you had to “unskew it.”
To unskew the data, you just went in there and started changing it around till it said something you liked and approved of.
At that point, the data was blessed and pronounced useful to The Faithful.
And that is how Deep Thinkery was born, as the eventual replacement for Critical Thinking.